Valued or Loved?

Feeling valued can be a proxy for being love. It sort of fills the same hole. Kind of like eating bark when you are starving.

People care for me because of what I can do for them. I don't talk about it that way because it would feel rather mercenary, but if I'm honest I think it's true.

On one hand I actually like things that way because it feels like something I have a reasonable level of control over. I even lean into it by optimizing my usefulness so that people will praise me and care about me. On the other hand I long for the real thing, where I am not in control and I am cared for regardless of what I do.

What keeps us from love

I find that humans have a hard time accepting genuine love, a love not based on what we have done, even though it is what we truly want. Accepting it would mean giving up control. If I do, then whether I am loved is no longer dependent on what I can do. It is dependent on the one who loves.

I think this is why people often find it hard to come to God. It is uncomfortable for us to be loved that way. Maybe it is because we generally don't love that way and therefore can't imagine someone else loving us that way. Yet Paul said:

But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.
- Paul (Romans 5:8)

God loves us, despite what we have done and will do, not because of it.

It also hits our pride if we are not loved because of what we have done. I see this in the common excuse of, "I need to clean myself up before coming to God." That is like saying we need to get healthy before go to the doctor. As noble as it may be to take responsibility to fix myself, the reality is that I need Him.

The result of love

A neat thing happens when we accept that love though: it sets us free.

We thought we had control when people cared for us because of our utility to them. The reality was that they controlled us. We wanted them to care about us so we became whatever they valued us to become so that they would care about us.

When I accept a love that isn't based on what I do, I am free from having to do things to be cared about.

Uncomfortable freedom

Some people feel uncomfortable with this freedom because they believe that people need to be controlled to be good. After all, that has been their experience. Or maybe it is that they feel that they have earned something and when others get it for free they get jealous. I find this more often with the "religious" who would have to admit that all their work was meaningless (in terms of earning) to accept true love.

The interesting thing about this freedom is that is has the opposite effect that some assume it would. Rather than people utilizing this freedom to indulge their hedonistic desires, they actually do good and love all the more. They even love better than those who are forced to love by their need for approval or to avoid judgement.

Simply put, John said:

We love, because He first loved us.
- John (1 John 4:19)

Not just an example of love that inspired us but an experience of love whereby my deepest longing to be love has been fulfilled. In this experience I recognize what it truly means to live, what I was truly made to be and I long to become that same love.

In the process I end up doing the good and having the character that the "religious" were afraid I would abandon, and that from a genuine heart instead of putting on a show. All I was supposed to do are just examples of love, as Paul points out:

For the whole Law is fulfilled in one word, in the statement, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”
- Paul (Galatians 5:14)

So I am freed to become what I was made to be and I detest all the hollow things I used to fill my life with and find my life in. At least I keep that perspective for a little while.

Renew your mind

It is easy to forget or get distracted. This is why Paul says:

And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind...
- Paul (Romans 12:2)

If I am not intentional about renewing my mind in this truth (not just remembering an example but experiencing His love) then I will cave to the pressure of this world and be conformed to its image rather than being transformed into the image of God I was created to be.

Conclusion

Are you settling for being valued? I know I often do.